SLADES OR THE SLAMMER?

Yeah, they’re called 4-penny nails and even though they cost mere pennies, they’re not freebies to be scooped up like so much popcorn at happy hour at Gino’s. Slades Hardware is not a big chain. They make their money on nuts and bolts. Literally. So if you’ve been doing a five-finger discount with the hardware at the hardware store, remember that if Slades goes out of business, you’ll have to spend more on gas driving to Hamilton, so there goes all of your savings from snitching nails. Just an observation.

TICKLE ME TIMELY

Bridget at Tickle Me Pink has put in a request for me to pass along: If you make an appointment for 9 a.m. every fourth Saturday of the month for a root touch up and a bang trim, please keep it. And show up on time. That’s all she’s asking. I’m not naming names. Bridget has threatened to let her shears do the talking if you don’t comply. You’ve been warned.

DOING A FLYBY

This isn’t really a complaint, er, constructive criticism. This is a call for suggestions. I’ve noticed the beloved statue in Grandview’s Village Square – you know the one –honoring war veterans from the Civil War all the way up to the Iraq War – has, ah, pigeon deposits on it. Thoughts? Obviously the pigeons have free will and exercise it with, ah, regularity. So the problem has to be tackled from another angle. As it were. Weekly cleanings? I made a phone call to City Sanitation and it doesn’t fall under their jurisdiction. Maybe we need a volunteer brigade. Let’s see a show of hands. War veterans should not have to suffer from poopy head.

HAIL TO THE HALL OF RECORDS

Yeah, I know, I hear the complaints – that I spend a lot of time, well, complaining on this site. Think of it as constructive criticism. And I hear I never compliment anyone. Well, then, consider this: The Hall of Records has decided to extend their hours: They will now be open until who knows when. (A paint scraper has been taken to the old closing hour of 4:30… so wheels are in motion.) Huzzah!!! Throw confetti! Toss streamers! The employees are still taking a full hour for lunch, however, and shutting the place down like a nuclear reactor site from 12 to 1 p.m.… but that’s a blog for another day.

GAS ATTACK

Hello beloved Gas Company employees. Vital and hard-working, indeed. How about signing up for a course in traffic control? I know we barely need it here in Grandview, but you guys had a full-blown NYC traffic snarl on your hands last week, didn’t you? Ever thought about working early in the morning or after everyone has arrived safely at work so that the rest of us aren’t treated to three hours of horn-honking? I also heard reports that one of your hard-hatted employees got into a hard-headed argument after backing into a civilian’s car with your Gas Company van. How about a course in parallel parking, too? We don’t want horns, fender benders – or worse. You’ve come a long way since the explosion of 1982, let’s keep your safety record in tact.

DAZED AND CONFUSED

Miss-Standing-in-the-Middle-of-the-Street-Last-Night-Staring-Into-Space. Long brown hair, dark coat. Nearly got run over by a hard-charging gangsta-sized SUV. What were you staring at? Let’s not have carnage and blood on the street due to deep moments of contemplation.

WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?

You there with the black convertible with the tan interior and the “I heart poodles” on the back bumper. I’m glad you heart poodles. Really. They’re an underappreciated breed. They’re not for the geriatric set any more. Let’s dye their fur purple and take ’em club hopping. HOWEVER, blue disposal bags are available at the pet store at Willow and Main. In bulk. Use them. Especially when you’re walking your poodle at 11 p.m. on the Village Square and you think no one is watching. I heart you.

JUDGE THE PROF

THIS YEARS LOWEST RANKED PROFS – FROM WORST TO FIRST

RICK PAYNE – Studies of the Occult (#113)
Don’t be fooled by Professor Payne’s course material. His classes may seem interesting to the curious student searching for a fun elective; however, his syllabus is longer than Tolstoy’s greatest work. Okay, not really. But it sure seems that way. Payne requires three 20+ page term papers throughout the course of the semester and he doesn’t grade on a curve. Add that with the two books a week required reading and you’ve got yourself one stressful semester. Also, he thinks he’s a comedian. And he’s not. Trust me. I like to think of him as distracted and sometimes scattered. But I try not to think of him as much as possible.

DAN SINCLAIR – Highlights of Astronomy (#112)
Professor Sinclair says that when the moon feels the gravitational pull from the Earth’s magnetic blah, blah, blah. Sinclair’s three-hour lectures are excellent naptimes for the sleep deprived at Rockland. Sadly, there is a lack of adequate padding on the seats in the lecture hall where Sinclair teaches. As Rockland student Ben C. explains it, “I’d rather pull my toenails off with my teeth instead of sitting through another one of Sinclair’s monotone lectures. You can’t even sleep, cause the seats are so hard.” Best to be avoided.

VIVIAN LEE – Advanced Math Concepts (# 111)
You cannot understand her because of her accent. She might as well be teaching in Esperanto. No joke.

THE YATES REPORT

CURFEW LAWS – KEEPING OUR CITY STREETS SAFE FROM KIDS

I thought long and hard about writing on this topic. Now that I’m older than eighteen, I can do whatever I want after 10:30 at night. But seeing as how this sort of law has caused an uproar with the internet generation, I thought I might as well get into it in an attempt to swing a few more webpage hits with the young-uns. Are curfew laws necessary? They certainly alleviate a lot of after hours stress with Grandview law enforcers. But at the same time, wouldn’t we rather have our law enforcers cracking down on the actual criminals rather than wasting their time with underage kids that are staying out too late. By the way, my bike has been stolen for the third time this year. I’m tired of walking, police! I’m sure that there’s just one guy who’s been stock-piling my bikes in an attempt to get back at me for something I’ve done. That wasn’t me who stole your Sunday edition of The New York Times. Oh, wait. That was me. Whatever. Find the guy that is stealing my bikes. That’s all I really have to say about that.

MORE ROCKLAND U. GOSSIP

“OUR TOWN” TO HEADLINE ROCKLAND’S FALL THEATRE SERIES…AGAIN

It must be an odd numbered year, because Rockland University’s theatre department has announced that the big fall show this year will, once again, be Thornton Wilder’s “Our Town”. Get ready for some incredible pantomiming. This announcement leads many to believe that the Theatre Department’s tight budget is becoming even tighter, forcing department heads to continue reprising works that don’t involve complicated set designs. That’s okay though. I’ve always wanted to see how that play would be with different people cueing up the sounds effects from upstage. While we’re at it, can we get a little Guys & Dolls up in here? I think it’s been eighteen months since the last production. So, please, get this one back up on its feet. I just saw my younger brother’s high school production and I think we can do a marginally better version. Again.

ROCKLAND U. GOSSIP

STUDENT CENTER IN TALKS TO FILL LAGOON

Everybody put your activist pants on. It appears that the University Student Center has begun preparations on a landfill that will eventually become a parking lot. Dean of Students Harris has yet to comment on the proposed construction plans. I, for one, am in support of the new parking lot; however, I hate searching for parking and I’ve never had much of an appreciation for woodland creatures. Don’t get me wrong, I saw Bambi and loved it just like everyone else. I was seven, of course. I have nothing against animals and I don’t support violence against them. But come on, people. Or shall I say, come on, activist people. We’re talking about a man-made lagoon that was built in the 70s. This isn’t a parking lot on top of the East River. Any animals, I’m sorry, any fish that will be losing a home will eventually find a new one back in the ocean or on someone’s plate. This might sound crude, but that’s the world we live in, activist people. By the way, I do adore those activist pants. You’re right. Hemp can be used for a lot of different things. Also, I think you just dropped your bong back there.

DRISCOLL COUNTY POLITICS

Grandview Mayor Milio dodges questions on EVERYTHING

Today at the Grandview City Council Meeting Mayor Alex Milio manned the podium for almost a half an hour, taking questions on a variety of topics ranging from curfew laws to city liquor licenses. It would be appropriate to say that the Mayor has been working out his political muscles, managing to sidestep every question posed to him with longwinded responses. We all understand what it is to avoid the question at hand. My mom’s been bugging me about coming home for Thanksgiving this year, and I’ve continued to respond with new questions about dear old dad’s health. But let’s face it. I’m going to be slicing dry turkey this late November while my Aunt Jessie bugs me about my dating life. And don’t doubt for a moment that I won’t be searching my old high school yearbooks and address books, attempting to find an old friend who will be willing to save me from my family’s annual “Turkey Hangover Argument”. Mayor Milio has no choice. Eventually, he will have to produce some answers to everybody’s questions. It’s only a matter of time before the community will lose patience. I anticipate that the curfew laws will be upheld and local businesses will have to cut through loads of more red tape in order to procure a liquor license. If you ask me, he should be fighting the drinking laws. With nowhere to go on the school nights, the Driscoll County teens would supply quite the pretty penny for their neighborhood spirits provider. Think of all the tax dollars. But that’s only if you ask me.